Well thats kinda how I feel....... its been a while since I have written a blog, and as I was rolling around in bed this morning, trying to get back to sleep, and then it hit me, that I NEED to write to help get rid of some of the feelings I am now feeling.

Last night I watched Twilight..... the first one (I didn't watch it before, because it didn't really interest me, now it is so interesting that I wish I didn't want to encompass it in my life). Now it as good don't get me wrong, the only problem I have with it, is simple....... Its unrealistic...... maybe its because I try to be as much as a realist as possible, and to me the thought of it all is incomprehensible, but I think its a deeper thing..... I'm not referring to vampires, and werwolves and everything like that make believe crap, what I am actually talking about is the love aspect...... how can love be so simple? be so cut and dry? so cookie-cutter? Love doesn't happen just like that. Yes, I get that it was gradual, that Bella moved from her mom's home, to her dad's home, and that she of course has a male childhood friend (that.... without having watched the second movie, or read any books, but know, because its a little predictable, is in love with her, of course there is this gorgeous childhood friend who comes back into her life) and when she moves, she not only reconciles with him, but also, of course upon starting her new school she meets and falls "unmistakably and irrevocably" in - love with Edward, the dream, meeting someone who cares for you undeniable, can't stand to be away from you, protects you with their life, makes you their life and wants nothing else to do, but to be with you....... It makes me upset and annoyed, jealous, sad and lonely--- questioning my life. Becuase they also ended up dating in real life...... I know its kinda large and my feelings are difficult to explain, buts Life isn't as simple as they make it out to be in the movies, is what I am getting at, I know that, I know others know that, but my heart doesn't know that, or is having difficulty grasping it.

The very fact that the fairy-tale, happy ending that we, females always strive for and longed for our entire life is nonexistent and impossible to find, so I should just forget about it entirely and stop searching for it. The thing too is that I am lonely........ I am 20 years old, going on 21 in July, have not yet had a boyfriend, serious or otherwise, and I am scared I am going to die alone (what if the world ends in 2012?) Its stupid of me to even be waiting for these things because everyone says they don't happen if you're waiting for them, they happen unknowingly.

Although this splurge of emotions has somewhat help me calm my nerves (maybe enough to go back to sleep) I still cannot help but feel sorry for myself. Sadly, enough the only way to make myself feel somewhat ok again, is to go on fuckmylife.com and postsecret.........