I never thought I'd be so angry, especially having had only 4 wks here, a month of adaptation. Not a long time at all I know, but since the beginning of my arrival here I thought extremely differently..... I didn't make a lot of friends to start and all are my friends I have... well they seem to not be there for me when I need them and I can't take it!!! The closer (in location) ones anyway.
The first guy friend I had, nice guy, younger then me. I thought he was mature but I was mislead. His sarcasm and his brusque are the reasons we no longer talk..... it's a little awkward when we see each other in the hallway of our residence because we used to be at a point where we said "hi" and "how are you?" a genuine sense of caring, but now there is nothing of the sort, and although I claim I am ok and fine with things not being cool between us, I'm not I'm bothered by it in fact. I don't really know why, I am the one who told him I don't care, and I told him that because he doesn't have to be so rude with what he says. I'm a girl and its all in the way you say something. The way he said things was insultive, demeaning , belittling and contradicting. I don't need that crap in my life, I've gown up with it enough and I have no patience or tolerance for it!!!
My other friend who lives on the same floor is a sweetheart but today she pissed me off. She is very insistent sometimes, I, on the other hand am stubborn and refuse to comply on the basis of my standards. Not to say that she doesn't fit into my standards, but some of the things she was offering, I just didn't want. I like her, I really do but I said something and she responded in a way that angered me to the core. She sensed something was off, and left the room immediately, guess thats one of the good things about her, is she knows how to read me.
She was supposed to help me learn, and re-teach me about Hinduism and when I tried to get help I didn't really have any questions compiled for her to answer, but I was hoping she would just go off on her own little mini speech about it, and get me informed about things I've misunderstood in lecture. But because of that comment she made I just wanted her to leave, I'm sensitive and was especially so with the remark she made because it didn't support my feelings or my original thoughts. I dismissed her presence with little thought and consideration. I was the one now, that was being extremely abrupt in my actions toward her.
I thought I was in the wrong to her, so I went to make amends by asking her to help me again, you know I'd thought I'd give it another try. Little did I know or even think about was the fact that she'd be doing her own work, not having all the free time in the world to help me whenever she could. Somehow I registered with only that thought in my mind and I was disappointed yet again, but its not her who disappointed me, it was myself. I walked away with a negative feeling, that didn't make me feel much like doing anything but writing.
The constraint of our conversation that caused so much controversy in my mind was that of a gentleman. Ah, but of course, what else has so much depth? so much meaning? so much priority in the female psyche? Where I had thought he was interested she did not, and stated it quite bluntly, that is why I did not want her company anymore. Just speculation and just her opinion..... I know but it made me think that perhaps he isn't interested and I've been reading the signals wrongly and fooling myself, like I always have a tendency to do, despite my intuitiveness. I questioned my observations, his motives. I became puzzled which lead to a letdown, which lead to anger. Now, I can see that he doesn't like me the way I want him to. He is probably impartial on the matter of my attractiveness!
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